i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
