WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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