see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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