Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
you didnt know i had herpes?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
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