I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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