I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
