It's like God shit irony all over that family
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
