Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
