I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
