I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
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