Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
