Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
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