Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
