shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Randomize
