Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
