did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
