Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
