drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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