tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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