I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
