Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
