so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
