Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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