So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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