I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
