Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
