Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
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