so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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