Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
