It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Randomize
