textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Randomize
