I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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