My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
