You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
