I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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