Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
