Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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