I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
My vagina is officially offended.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
