The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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