I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
