you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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