My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
