some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
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Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
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I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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