Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
