u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
