I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
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