He disabled his match.com account in front of me
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
