he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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