she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
