also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
