Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
