dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
