I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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