Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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