He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
