An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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