I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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